A huge number of women fake orgasm, and men don’t even know about it. In fact, this is a harmful practice for both partners. But it can be overcome if you correctly understand what an orgasm is, how to achieve it and how to deliver it to your partner.
WHAT MEN NEED TO KNOW
- External signs are not an indicator of orgasm
Moans, convulsions, arching of the back, releasing “claws” are not signs of orgasm. Media and porn have created a toxic stereotype that a real orgasm must resemble an exorcism.
Neuroscientist Dr. Nicole Prause devoted a study to this, in which she decided to check what external signs make it possible to accurately understand that an orgasm has occurred.
The result caused a stormy public reaction, because nothing. According to her, many women during orgasm did not reveal their condition with absolutely no external signs.
- Women moan to stop sex
According to statistics, women generally often fake orgasm: 67% of women do it sometimes, and 25 % fake it with every sexual encounter. But only 20 % of men believe that their partners were able to fake pleasure.
Most men consider moaning to be evidence of orgasm. This interested the researchers, and they found out that in reality it’s exactly the opposite: a third of women regularly imitate an orgasm, intensifying the sounds they make, and half of those imitating do this periodically.
- Demanding an orgasm will not help you achieve it
In general, the very expectation of visible evidence of orgasm is logically explained by sociologists.
Thus, Charlene L. Muehlenhard, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, has proven in her research that men consider a woman’s orgasm to be an assessment of the quality of their work. And many do not finish their actions until they receive verbal evidence of this. That is, in the literal sense, they will continue to move inside the woman until they receive a reaction that is acceptable to them.
At the same time, we are just learning to talk about sex, and we do not know how to adequately perceive information that our partner did not have an orgasm. This leads to the fact that we pay more attention to visual signs than to the real feelings and sensations of our partner.
This approach has also failed men: now we have to dispel the myth that ejaculation always means orgasm, although this is not the case.
- Nevertheless, there are still external signs of orgasm
Orgasm is a powerful nerve signal that travels through the spine to the brain. So, obviously, he has some physical signs, but it is usually difficult to notice and highlight them.
Obstetrician-gynecologist Lisa Masterson explained what happens to a woman during orgasm.
First of all, it is a rapid heartbeat. Then the muscles begin to contract (but not as they show in the movies, but rather like cramps – they can be barely visible) of the ankles, toes and, most importantly, the muscles of the vagina. Contractions inside the vagina can be felt with your fingers.
Then the orgasm itself occurs, during which the pupils dilate and the clitoris pulsates. You can try to feel it with your lips. And finally, as Dr. Masterson adds, if you’ve tried really hard, the woman will start to sweat (not because she was jumping on the bed, but because her heart rate is racing and her muscles are contracting).
- It’s the brain, not the technique that brings you to orgasm
More precisely, technology plays a huge role, but only if the person in bed with you is comfortable.
Only a quarter of women regularly experience orgasm during intercourse, regardless of how long it lasts, the size of the penis, or how the woman feels about the man or their relationship.
These statistics come not only from one study, but also from a comprehensive analysis of 33 studies over the past 80 years conducted by Elisabeth A. Lloyd in her book «The Case of the Female Orgasm».
So there are two most likely scenarios.
Or the girl in your bed clearly knows what needs to be done with her in order to have an orgasm, and she tells you about it. Then you need to listen to it, and not remember your previous experience or pictures from porn. If a girl knows that she needs, for example, at least an hour of oral sex to orgasm, and tells you about it directly, this is great news for you. This means that she is very comfortable with you, she has gone through the jungle of her doubts, fears and mistrust and voiced, perhaps for the first time in her life, what she wants in bed.
Or she hasn’t had an orgasm yet and can’t tell what she likes. In this case, previous experience can help you, but it’s important to remember: she doesn’t know how to achieve orgasm, but she can naturally understand whether she feels good right now or not, so there’s no need to put pressure on her. After all, you are studying it with her, she is already embarrassed, don’t act as if you are in a hurry to get somewhere, and the process of satisfying your partner is tiring you.
Remember that orgasm still happens in the brain. And if it has already happened at least once, then you clearly understand its approach, distance, possibility or impossibility.
Sometimes it can “disappear” in the process: a few seconds “before” the leg cramped – most likely, changing the position will delay the orgasm or completely “scare off”. Or the girl will understand that she cannot “catch” him in any way – this is also normal and does not indicate your failure as a lover. This suggests that the girl’s brain is not ready for orgasm right now, even if she herself is quite ready.
- Having a variety of practices can help
It has long been known that heterosexual women have the least orgasms. The reason is they have less oral sex.
Australian researchers surveyed 5,000 heterosexual men and women about their most recent sexual encounters and found that 96 % of them involved vaginal penetration. Only 24 % of women reported cunnilingus. In 1 % of cases it was anal sex for a woman. However, everyone received mutual genital massage equally: 76 % of people reported it.
Between 95 and 98 % of men experienced orgasms from any of these effects. For women, the statistics were very different. 50 % of women reported orgasms from vaginal penetration alone. When manual caressing of the genitals was added, the percentage of women who had orgasms increased to 71 %. Vulva massage, vaginal penetration and cunnilingus resulted in orgasm in 86 % of women.
In addition, there are studies that confirm that only 8 % of women are able to regularly experience orgasm from vaginal penetration alone. And the point here is not in the skill of their partners, but in physiology: their clitoris is located closer to the vagina than the others.
The author of the study, Ph.D., Professor Kim Wallen, adds that despite this figure, Hollywood continues to portray this 8 % as 100 % in its romance melodramas, which hinders both women and men.
So if your partner gets an orgasm from penetration alone, it’s her anatomy, not your penis.
Anything that helps a girl stimulate her clitoris, be it hand caressing, cunnilingus, or anything else, is more likely to lead her to orgasm.
WHAT WOMEN NEED TO KNOW
Your pleasure matters
According to statistics, 90 % of women faked orgasm when they realized that they could not achieve it. The reasons for imitation were given as follows:
- to stop sex due to boredom,
- fatigue,
- discomfort,
- pain,
- time limit,
- to please your partner.
The lack of orgasm has less to do with the partner’s technique and skills, the presence of sex toys, and so on.
A study by Finnish scientists in 2022 showed that the main factor for achieving orgasm was psychological comfort: it increased sexual desire, arousal, self-esteem and the level of openness.
So stop thinking that your orgasm can wait until better times. Hundreds of studies have been devoted to studying the causes of female imitation and lack of orgasm and showing that this is a widespread problem that demonstrates deep-seated problems in society and in relationships between people. Just 20 years ago, no one cared about the female orgasm – and it’s time to change that.
What affects the number of orgasms
Psychologists and sociologists have found that there are four variables that have some effect on the likelihood of orgasm.
- The older you are and the higher your education, the greater the likelihood of orgasm, as women become more confident in themselves to demand attention in bed and talk about sex.
- Women with liberal views have more orgasms than those who internalize conservative (religious and social) views, in which a woman’s feelings always come second.
- The more comfortable and happy a woman feels in a relationship, the more she opens up sexually.
- Women who have experienced sexual assault or other sexual trauma experience fewer orgasms.
The third point is most important – the level of comfort, pleasure and happiness in the relationship. In “ideal” relationships, 70 % of women reported orgasms; in sexual contacts with casual partners, the number dropped to 49 %.
REASONS THAT MAY BE INTERFERING YOU TO ACHIEVE ORGASM
- Stereotypes from movies
Some women fake an orgasm because they don’t know how long it will take them to actually have one, or what exactly they need to do to get one.
Vivienne Cass, PhD, author of «The Elusive Orgasm», believes the portrayal of orgasms in the media is to blame: “Men and women see these vividly orgasming women in movies and think that this is the norm. Meanwhile, there is also porn. Because of him, most people are used to seeing women cum in a few seconds.”
As a result, not only men are waiting for the “rite of exorcism,” but also women are expecting some unusually vivid sensations, which is why they may ignore their real orgasm or consider it not strong enough.
But each orgasm is unique in sensations, duration and intensity, it is important to learn to feel your body, and not adjust expectations, focusing on the woman arching on the screen.
- Critical attitude towards your body
Psychologists believe that a woman’s critical internal judgments about her own body interrupt the smooth increase in sexual arousal, and this is a very important factor in achieving orgasm.
A woman’s inner voice lists her main concerns: “my breasts are too small,” “they don’t look like other women’s breasts,” “my breasts are deformed,” “my vagina is too dry/wet/narrow/wide,” “my vagina is ugly,” “I don’t feel clean enough down there, so I don’t do oral sex.”
Psychologists note that many women have learned a negative attitude towards their body from their parents, in the process of learning hygiene and other issues. If the genitals did not have names, they could not be touched, but could only be washed, then the genital area is associated exclusively with excretory functions.
Women’s shame eventually extends to everything below the waist. It is difficult to enjoy touching parts of the body that you are accustomed to consider dirty, and this interferes with orgasm.
It is appropriate in this regard to note that for women who are overly critical of their figure, it would be very useful to use the “Simpla 360” product, which moisturizes the skin, restores its elasticity and firmness, eliminates wrinkles and smoothes out sagging skin, instantly making the surface smooth and flawless.
- Lack of adequate sexual socialization
Many women acquire distorted views about sex at an early age. Parents’ negative attitudes toward nudity, masturbation, and sexual practices with first partners have a strong impact on how men and women perceive their own sex lives.
As a result, people begin to view some sexual activities as acceptable and “clean” and others as “dirty” and “bad.” In addition, some religions view sex as an expression of the base, sinful nature of people.
It is difficult to imagine that a person brought up in such a system will suddenly fall in love with sex at the age of 25 and quickly open up sexually. Psychologists still agree that, as a result, an adult woman will tend to perceive sex as a forbidden and shameful act, and will feel guilty for her desire and pleasure and expect negative consequences.
- Fear of awakening repressed trauma memories
One in three women in the world have experienced some form of violence and harassment, and this cannot be ignored. Such an experience leaves an imprint, especially in a country where it is embarrassing to ask for help and there is no support from society.
However, most of the affected women had traumatic experiences before the age of 18, and often the culprit was a relative. This undermines the entire system of a woman’s trust in the world in the future.
In such cases, intimacy becomes a difficult event, because the woman experiences problems with trust, comfort, and confidence. Sex can ultimately trigger feelings of guilt, emotional pain, and any similarity between her partner and the one who caused the trauma increases the likelihood of painful memories returning.
- Fear of losing control
Feeling like you are in control of a situation is one of the basic human needs. When you grow up in a country in which men believe they can say anything to you, shout after you in the street, touch you, pursue you, and the word “no” is perceived only as flirtation, control becomes a defense mechanism that was hard to build and will be hard lose.
Psychologists say that women who are forced to rely on maintaining control as a defense mechanism tend to resist their own desire to express themselves freely during sex.
ADVICE FOR WOMEN ON HOW TO HELP THEMSELVES ACHIEVE ORGASM
- Look at your genitals
If you have never done this, then take a mirror and look at your genitals. At least find out where the labia minora are and what the clitoris looks like.
- Know your body
Give yourself 30-60 minutes of your life to explore your own body. You can start by taking a bath or shower. You can use oil, lubricant or lotion. Focus on how the touch feels, where it feels best. Move to the genitals, try to understand which areas are pleasant to touch, and where it is perceived as simply touching any other area of the skin.
Then rest and replay the sensations of touch in your head: perhaps a specific place and intensity of touch will come to mind. Try it. And don’t rush to move directly to masturbation; it’s important to get used to your own body and pleasure in general.
Psychologists believe that this should help normalize such behavior so that it is not perceived as stress.
- Masturbate
It is also important to make the process of masturbation comfortable, so it’s time to study the reaction of your genitals to touch.
If you figure out exactly how and where you need to be touched to make it pleasant, this will help in getting an orgasm. This will also increase blood flow to the genitals, which will also be beneficial in achieving orgasm.
Give yourself as much time as you need, and don’t hesitate to be thorough with the process: your positioning, the use of lube, a stimulating factor (an erotic novel, porn or fantasy), music – basically anything that will help you relax.
And don’t worry about time: it may take 5, 10, 20, 30, 45 minutes to reach orgasm. Don’t worry about it, all that matters is your enjoyment.
- Learn to talk to your partner
Once you have figured out what you like and have gotten used to the idea that your pleasure is important and achievable, convey this to your partner.
If this is a one-night stand, he will need direct guidance – and do not accept his refusals or selfishness. It’s better to agree on everything in advance: your pleasure should also be in your partner’s plans, he should be ready to listen and hear you.
- Don’t imitate
Unfortunately, some women fake orgasm not simply because they are tired or missed an orgasm, but to avoid trouble in the form of physical violence. But if you have the opportunity to tell the truth, speak up.
Researchers believe that women who have already experienced an orgasm are less likely to fake it. You should have the right to stop sex, without pretending or making up excuses, but simply because you don’t want to continue and you couldn’t achieve orgasm.
If your partner’s pleasure is important to you, then you can help him get pleasure in any other way, and you don’t need to endure for this.
There is no need to remain silent, especially if the relationship suits you. Until your partner knows that you are not having an orgasm, he will not be able to change it.
