Rough sexual practices are often considered a perversion, and their supporters are considered people with mental disabilities. But in recent decades, science has cast doubt on these theses.
What is BDSM
The abbreviation BDSM stands for:
- BD – bondage and discipline;
- DS – dominant and submissive (dominance and submission);
- SM – sadomasochism.
Thus, BDSM includes sexual practices based on the exchange of power and associated with deprivation of mobility, infliction of pain and humiliation. Everything is not necessary at once, but one condition is always met: the listed actions are voluntary.
This raises a question that worries many: who in their right mind would agree to humiliation and punishment?
Deviation or not?
In accordance with the current International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10), sadomasochism is considered a disorder of sexual preference (it is included in the list of mental disorders and behavioral disorders). But modern research increasingly suggests that people who practice BDSM do not have any special mental problems.
In particular, a large-scale study conducted by American scientists in 2016 showed that BDSM practitioners suffered from depression, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive and post-traumatic disorders, as well as psychological sadism and masochism no more than others. True, the rates of narcissism and symptoms of dissociative disorders in this group were above average.
However, psychologist Pamela Connolly, who conducted the study, concluded that the idea that psychopathology underlies BDSM practices is controversial.
A large 2018 study in Australia sought to determine whether BDSM addiction was associated with a history of sexual abuse and other sexual or psychological problems. But this time the connection was not established.
Scientists have concluded that BDSM is simply a sexual interest or subculture, the majority of whose adherents have not been victims of violence and have not experienced problems with “regular” sex.
A more recent study, published in 2023, sought to determine what the main psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners are. It turned out that compared to the others they had even more favorable indicators.
For example, these people were less neurotic, more open to new experiences and more extroverted, and also felt better than representatives of the control group. They did manage to identify one drawback: they were less compliant. It should be noted that the performance of dominants, as a rule, was better than that of submissives. And yet, scientists have concluded that BDSM practices should not be considered as a way of manifesting psychopathology.
From all that has been said, of course, it does not follow that it is BDSM that makes people happy or open. The following study showed what the effect of the practices is.
What are the advantages of BDSM
American scientists have found that people who engage in BDSM experience reduced levels of psychological stress, improved mood and increased sexual arousal. But perhaps their most interesting discovery is that practitioners enter a state of altered consciousness.
True, the sensations of dominants and submissives turn out to be different. The former fall into a pleasant state of complete concentration on the process and loss of self-awareness (due to merging with the activity). It can be compared to the state of “flow” described by psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. The latter, on the contrary, feel complete relaxation, peacefulness and a sense of life in the present moment.
In an article for «The Guardian» study author Brad Sagarin noted that these conditions are similar to what BDSM calls topspace and subspace.
Should you try BDSM?
It is difficult to deny the attractiveness of the described effects. Does this mean you need to take up the whip immediately?
Of course, no.
You must understand that the research involves people who already practice BDSM. That is, most likely, a positive effect occurs among those who are initially interested in this type of sexual interaction. It’s another matter if you have corresponding desires or fantasies. Then there is a reason to think about their implementation.
Sharing a secret fantasy can be difficult due to fear or shame. Four working ways will help you express your desire in a way that avoids unnecessary awkwardness and achieves the desired result.
- Say it straight
Guessing games in bed usually end in failure, or even disappointment. Therefore, it is better to voice your preferences directly and without embarrassment.
For example, start with what you like about your sex life and then come up with a new idea to improve it.
Another option is to express your pleasure from your partner’s correct actions directly during sex. Positive reinforcement works flawlessly.
- Take action
Actions are clearer than words. So take the risk of demonstrating your desire to your partner.
The first way is to show exactly how you like it. Try kissing your partner the way you want, and then ask him to repeat it. Or take his hand and point it in the right direction. Try to show approval or pleasure at this moment – this way you will confirm the other half in the idea that these actions should be included in sexual life.
The second way is to show your sexual fantasy, but do not do it too seriously.
As a rule, what you can laugh at together causes less embarrassment in the future.
Let’s say you want to try a role-playing game about escape from fire. Detailed explanations about how things look in your head will only increase the pressure on your partner. And, most likely, they will not lead to the expected ending.
As a humorous alternative (option for women), put on sexy lingerie, a fireman’s helmet (a fire extinguisher would also work as an alternative), play a video of a campfire, and shyly ask your partner, “Is there a fire here?” It sounds stupid, but in this way you will reduce the degree of tension and share your fantasy without further ado.
- Get sex-ed
The best way not only to tell your partner more about your desires, but also to learn something new yourself is to study. A good joint practice in this case is reading books.
To start, you can choose a read that reflects your sexual interests so your partner can learn more about the subject, or find a general guide that covers different aspects of sex. Make it a habit to read at least a couple of chapters together before bed, and then discuss what you read. This way you will not only diversify your intimate life, but also get a new joint hobby.
- Test the light version of your wish
If you’re worried that your fantasy might seem too extreme to your partner, try testing the waters first.
Do you dream about BDSM? You shouldn’t immediately put on a latex suit or grab a whip. Start with flip flops and a light hold (a silk scarf like in «Basic Instinct» works great).
Do you want to try tantric sex, but are you afraid that your partner will consider it mystical nonsense? Choose a simple tantra breathing exercise and suggest doing it before foreplay.
When you notice that your partner likes the new experience, try to move on. In the end, it may turn out that you secretly dreamed of the same thing.
Don’t be shy about your desires. By implementing them, you make your sexual life together more complete and vibrant and strengthen the intimacy in your couple. So less secrets, more fun!
In this case, you need to remember an important condition: the consent of the partner. Many practitioners note that BDSM enhances intimacy and trust in a couple. However, this is only possible if people stipulate in advance the boundaries of what is permitted and do not violate them.
And one last important point. If you are just planning to plunge into the world of new pleasures, start with something simple and relatively safe: light spankings or simple bondages. This way you will have the opportunity to understand how interesting you are in all this and whether you need to move on. And at the same time avoid unnecessary physical and mental trauma.
I would especially like to say about those people who would like to practice BDSM in their sex life, but are embarrassed to undress or put on leather underwear, because of papillomas or fat folds on their body. In order to “get into the flow” and live the life of a slave or master, they should first use the «Clean Like a Teenager» skin tag remover. This fast-acting liquid solution removes skin tags safely and painlessly while being suitable for all skin types. After your skin is clean, you can wear any leather underwear and arm yourself with any leather devices! In the end, it doesn’t really matter what you play with your partner. The main thing is that it is by mutual agreement and brings pleasure to both!
