Fast sex is often associated with intense passion, but in reality, it frequently turns out to be merely a means to quickly achieve orgasm, essentially a routine discharge. Slow sexual activity, on the other hand, serves entirely different purposes and has been gaining more advocates.
Slow sex is somewhat akin to slow dining, where the focus is not just on satisfying hunger but on savoring each bite. As a result, you consume less, yet experience greater satisfaction and pleasure from the flavors. Similarly, slow sex provides more pleasure, while leaving you much less exhausted.
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Psychoterapist and human sexuality expert Barnaby B. Barratt highlighted three key characteristics of slow sex in his article “Sensuality, Sexuality, and the Eroticism of Slowness”:
- Focus on the process: This means paying attention to each stage of intimacy rather than rushing toward the finish line.
- Pleasure orientation: Concentration on the sensual perception of every touch rather than aiming to release tension.
- Playfulness: The practice of freely and leisurely following the body’s cues, rather than turning sex into a tightly structured process constrained by time.
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A similar concept of intimacy exists in tantra, a spiritual practice that employs the body as a tool for self-discovery. Tantric sex involves gradual, mindful engagement with a partner, self-awareness during the connection, and the release of a potent flow of sexual energy that can impact other areas of life.
It’s not surprising that individuals from Western cultures tend to lean towards quick sex, as our civilization has been influenced by Christianity, which often frowned upon physicality. Additionally, we are accustomed to goal achievement and efficiency.
In our fast-paced world, we feel the need to quickly achieve our desired number of orgasms — leaving little time for unhurried sex. However, slow sex holds several evident advantages:
- Slow sex significantly heightens sensitivity and intensifies intimacy between partners. By opening up to emotions during sexual contact, partners free themselves from the need to solely focus on results, which is particularly important for men.
As a result, sex ceases to be a stress factor and becomes a pathway to relaxation and a creative act. French psychoanalyst and sex researcher Alain Héril believes that this practice can rekindle desire even in long-term relationships.
- Slow sex can serve as a means of self-development. By concentrating on their sensations, individuals gain a better understanding of themselves and live more fulfilled lives.
Such assertions align more closely with tantric practices. Diana Richardson, the author of “The Heart of Tantric Sex: A Unique Guide to Love and Sexual Fulfillment,” notes that sex in tantra is a way to connect with one’s essence. By practicing it, individuals discover a source of pleasure within themselves and can truly explore their partner, seeing them not merely as a means to orgasm but as a fellow human on a journey of self-discovery.
- Slow sex brings more pleasure than fast sex. Practitioners of this form of intimacy can master the technique of orgasm control. It involves maintaining a highly aroused state for an extended period, culminating in a whole-body orgasm and even a sense of euphoria.
A similar experience is described by Canadian journalist Carl Honoré in his book “In Praise of Slow: How a Worldwide Movement Is Challenging the Cult of Speed.” He explains that conventional sex results in a genital orgasm lasting only a few seconds. Tantra, however, stretches ecstasy over time and intensifies it. Sexual energy spreads throughout the body, leading to convulsive pleasure.
Impressive, isn’t it? But how can one achieve this? Here are some tips.
- Set the atmosphere.
Creating an environment is crucial for unlocking sensuality: scents, colors, textures. You have options like a bath, essential oils, aromatic candles, silk—anything that enhances sensations. And, of course, allocate ample time. Slow sex requires it.
- Begin with visual contact.
A gaze can be as stimulating as touch. Carefully explore your partner’s body, as if you’re caressing them with your eyes.
Many women have body image concerns. To overcome them, imagine that with each piece of clothing removed, you’re shedding a complex or anxiety. By doing so, as you expose the body, you’ll let go of fears.
- Mind your breath.
American writer James N. Powell, who studied the culture of slow sex among Polynesian people, advises observing your breath and your partner’s. This helps you feel the energy uniting all parts of your body and connecting you with your partner.
Sexologist Val Sampson also asserts that with breath exercises, you can significantly extend male orgasms. While in a pre-orgasmic state, men should breathe calmly and deeply, trying to relax their muscles as much as possible. Instead of the usual 7-10 seconds, the pleasure could last up to 30 seconds.
- Explore every part of the body.
Slow sex offers an opportunity to spend time on areas that are often ignored during intercourse. Now you have a chance to discover something new about your elbows, palms, ankles, and more. Try a long erotic massage or extended caresses of a specific body part.
- Pay attention to your sensations and share them with your partner. If you feel embarrassment or awkwardness — laugh; if you feel like crying — cry. Genuine emotions enhance intimacy.
- Practice prolonged intercourse.
This advice is more applicable to the active partner. They should enter their partner very slowly (millimeter by millimeter) and withdraw slowly. Try pausing inside, feeling the connection with your partner.
We’re accustomed to deriving pleasure from fast friction. Slow sex offers an opportunity to feel the enjoyment in the merging process itself.
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To truly relax and quiet the mind during slow sex, heighten sensitivity, and experience a profound sense of unity with your partner, mastering breathing techniques is essential. The following tips can help in this regard:
- Focus on your sensations!
When you direct your attention to bodily sensations, you automatically cease self-evaluation and distracting thoughts. If work-related or household thoughts invade your mind during sex, try deep and steady breathing (strive to make your exhales 1.5-2 times longer than your inhales).
- Notice what matters!
Continuously paying attention to and deepening your breath can help you discover what brings you pleasant sensations and what brings discomfort or even pain. This effect becomes particularly evident when you breathe slowly—you simply have enough time to understand what’s happening. Furthermore, you might feel anxious or even fearful. Being able to cope with these emotions and discuss them with your partner is crucial.
- Relax!
When you’re feeling tense, experiencing pleasure becomes quite challenging. And once again, breathing comes to your aid. Deep, slow breathing helps create a sense of comfort and security. For many women, this is an essential factor for even the possibility of arousal. But it’s relevant for men as well. A few conscious deep inhales and exhales, and you’re already better prepared for intimacy.
- Be Attentive and Sensitive to Your Partner!
Orgasm in women can sometimes be very delicate, easily “scared off.” If a woman attempts to breathe deeply as she approaches orgasm, simultaneously focusing her attention on her breath and the area where her pre-orgasmic sensations are concentrated, it becomes very difficult to distract her from the feeling of pleasure.
- Amplify Arousal and Heighten Sensitivity!
Deepening and slowing down your breathing increases the oxygen saturation in your blood and accelerates blood circulation in your tissues, consequently enhancing sensitivity. Thus, accelerating your breathing intensifies arousal. If you desire a more passionate experience, you can try breathing rapidly and intermittently. Just be cautious: if you feel mild dizziness, breathe more calmly.
You can enhance this experience by incorporating sounds. These sounds don’t necessarily have to imitate those in pornography. When you add moans, growls, or sighs (those that feel suitable to you), you’ll find yourself becoming even more aroused. If the sounds are rhythmic, they might even carry you into a gentle trance. So, savor this sensation!
Before reaching orgasm, many people involuntarily hold their breath. This is entirely natural. However, try not to do this; instead, deepen or accelerate your breath. The result might pleasantly surprise you.
Some individuals might experience stronger sensations from breath restriction or asphyxiation, but such games often end tragically. So, please avoid attempting these without basic medical preparation.
- Harmonize with Your Partner!
Individuals acquainted with tantric partner exercises understand the remarkable effects that breath synchronization can produce. By breathing in sync or sometimes out of phase—inhaling while the other exhales—you can achieve a wondrous sense of unity, dissolving into each other, and heightening excitement together.
- Take the Lead!
If you wish for your partner to relax further, become even more aroused, or immerse themselves in their sensations, establish eye contact and suggest they breathe along with you. Then, you can adjust your breathing, making it either deeper and steadier or more frequent and intermittent, depending on your goal. If done calmly and confidently, your partner will feel safe and will likely follow with pleasure. This rule works especially well for men or women accustomed to being in control.
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Certainly, slow sex doesn’t exclude the presence of quick, passionate lovemaking in your life. Sometimes, releasing raw animalistic passion is exactly what both partners need at that moment. Ultimately, it’s best if partners collaboratively seek the most optimal pace. However, don’t rely on stereotypes, as even scientific studies show that men might prefer slow sex, while women might prefer fast sex.
